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It took me two weeks to get over the flu and I now have tonsillitis.  Spent all weekend, feverish and miserable.  And in LOTS of pain on the left side of my abdomen.  I have been popping painkillers like crazy.  I was a bit freaked out coz I couldn’t figure out if the temperature was caused by the tonsilitus or if I had an infection.  So I rushed off to FS yesterday morning.  And paid him R900 for him to diagnose an upper respiratory tract infection ! Thankfully no infection in my reproductive parts. 

My sick note for works reads : Kindly excuse Sunny from work as she had “Gynae related problems” – how embarrassing to hand to a male manager ! 

I know it’s just the flu but I’m really bloody tired of being sick.

Image

Just a quick story to illustrate my DH’s very warped thinking. 

Every Mother’s Day we buy gift for my mum, my gran, his mum and his aunt.  This year we decided to buy a gift for DH’s cousin as well.  She lives a few minutes away from us and whenever she cooks or bakes something yummy, she sends some over to us.  And is always buying us little gifts from the flea market etc 

Anyway, we invited them over on Mother’s Day, they couldn’t make it, so we decided to deliver her gift a few days later.  As we got to the house, we saw DH’s other cousin also there.  So I felt really guilty, giving a gift to one cousin and not the other.  But DH said “But why are you feeling guilty she’s not a mother?” !?!?!?  I was flabbergasted.  The cousin in question married late in life, and never had children.  And I do know that she has regrets about it, but at 50, it’s a bit late for her.  And I said to him, so why did you buy ME a gift, I’m not a mother either.  And his response was that I was “taking care of a child” (Foster Kid) so that made it ok. 

I am such a firm believer that every woman is a mother in some way.  And it made me so sad to think that DH had such a narrow definition of what constitutes a mother.  If we are never able to have children (and we never had Foster Kid) then I would have absolutely no claim to motherhood. 

 

Anyway, here’s Day 9 and 10 of the Blog Challenge.

 Day 9:
What was the first baby or pregnancy-related purchase you ever made? Was it before or after you started trying to conceive? Or was it after you were already pregnant? Why did you choose that particular item to buy first? If you haven’t purchased anything yet, why not? 

I have never made any baby –related purchases, mainly because I am just too scared to do so.  Like tempting fate?  What if I buy stuff, and the IVF fails and I have to give my baby’s clothes away to someone else ?!!?  That would just be too heartbreaking. 

However, my mum has mentioned buying something, as a sign to the universe that I mean business about this baby-making thing.  And I think I might just do that.  Kinda the same concept as a vision board, which I am thinking of doing too.

Day 10:
Other than the song “I Would Die For That,” post a video of a song that has special meaning to you and your infertility journey. Explain it, if you’re comfortable doing so.

 I have no particular song that has a special meaning.  However during my 2WW (1st IVF) I had a new phone with about 10 songs on it, and when I was stressed I would go to my room, put the earphones on and listen to those songs.  And sing along.  And say “Look babies, look what beauty there is in this world.  So grow babies grow”  Guess they didn’t quite like my choice in music.  Anyway, these days whenever I listen to any of those songs I am reminded of my 2WW. 

This time around, I have a whole iPOD full of music.  And I’m going to expose them to all types of music.  Hopefully they approve😉

HAPPY WEEKEND !

Day 7:
If you had gotten pregnant that first month you started trying, how would you have been a different parent? What changes have you made to your parenting style (either current or future) in the time you spent trying to conceive?

 This question raises so many other questions and thoughts in my mind.  Where do I even begin?  I try not to think about what our lives would have been like had we managed to conceive easily.  DH and I lived together for a few years and my BCP habits were sporadic to say the least.  If only I had managed to conceive then….  But I’m trying not to cry over spilt milk, it only brings me more pain.  There are just too many what-ifs and I have to believe that the path that I am travelling is the best for me. 

Back to the question – I am a disciplinarian.  I grew up in a strict household.  When it came to having manners, being respectful/polite to our elders was a non-negotiable.  I would definitely be the same way with my child.  I think that will always be my parenting style.  I would also like to balance that with a healthy sense of self.  I want my child to be confident enough to speak her mind, whilst still maintaining respect for the people around her (yes, it’s going to be a “her” :-))  

Just yesterday I was watching an episode of Life in the Fab Lane with Kimora Lee Simmons (don’t ask me why I watch that crap) and as irritating as she is, I love the way she is constantly empowering her girls.  She has created a kiddies line of clothing named after her daughters and she involves them in designing the clothing.  And she instills in them her work ethic, at ages 8 and 10.  In yesterday episode, she had a fashion show birthday party for her daughter, and all her daughter’s friends were the amateur models.  She gave them such an amazing pep talk, about being positive, about being confident, about never running other women down.  I want to be that mother.

Kimora and her beautiful daughters

 

 

 

 

I want to be that silly mother that plays hide and seek with her kids, that runs around on the playground, that laughs with abandon.  I want to be that mother that is constantly exposing my kids to new experiences, making sure they enjoy the simple things in life, picnics in the park, days out at the beach etc etc.  I want to be that cool mother that all my daughter’s friends come to for advice. 

I think that I would be a great mother.  I pray that I am given a chance to prove it. 

And on to a bit of frivolity.
Day 8:
Share a recipe for your favorite alcoholic drink (or, if you don’t drink, it can be non-alcoholic but make it fun!), and your favorite comfort and/or post-bfn food. 

My all-time favourite alcoholic drink is a Strawberry Daiquiri.  It’s a fun pink girly drink.  You could make it yourself (see below) or you could do what I do – buy the premix, pop in the freezer till its slushy, add your own fresh strawberry pulp, pour into a glass, garnish with a whole strawberry and umbrella and VOILA !  you have a guaranteed panty remover😉

STRAWBERRY DAIQUIRI

 

What Ingredients Do I Need?

6 fresh hulled strawberries
2 shots of light rum
¾ shot of lime juice
½ shot of sugar syrup

How Do I Make a Strawberry Daiquiri?

Blend all ingredients with crushed ice and serve in chilled margarita glass. Garnish with split strawberry on rim. 

As far as comfort food goes, I am a confirmed chocoholic and will demolish all things chocolate – cakes, deserts, ice-cream, anything goes….. 

Here’s a little something to whet your appetite.

A Chocoholic’s Delight !

My first ICLW !!  I am so looking forward to making new friends.  I already spotted a few blogs that got my attention.  It has come at a really busy time in my life.  I’m crazy busy at work, I have just resigned and accepted a position at a new company.  Both my internet connectivity at home and on my phone is unstable.  However, I’m going all out for my first ICLW :) 

I before I start my Comment-A-Thon, let me tell you a little about me.  I am 35 years old (a month away from 36!), been married for 6 and a half years, and ttc for about 4.  I was told in 2005 that I would not be able to conceive naturally but it didn’t matter much to me then as I wasn’t even sure that I wanted children.  But when I turned 32 my biological clock went into overdrive and the desire to have children over-powered all else.  DH and I also have a Foster Child, a 9 year old boy who has been with us for the last 5 years.  It has not been a happy relationship but I am trying to rectify that.  This is not helped by the fact that DH refuses to understand my need for my own child and expects me to be content with having the Foster Child in my life.  As such, he makes no attempt to help me financially or emotionally in my ttc efforts.  He is unwilling to talk about it, or allow me to vent my feelings.  It’s a sad part of my ttc journey, that my other half will not share with me one of the most painful part of my life.  However I have realized that I need to soldier on, on my own.  I am willing to make that effort, not just for me, but for him too, for I know that he would be the happiest man if we were to have our own baby. 

In June of 2010, DH finally agreed to see an FS with me.  He diagnosed me with bi-lateral ovarian cysts.  But the shocker was my very low FSH and the diagnosis of early ovarian aging.  We went straight to IVF.  In Dec 2010, we received the news of our BFN.  DH was devastated.  The plan then was to wait a few months (for financial reasons) and try again.  But when the time came, DH withdrew his support, emotional and financial, and I was expected to just give up my dream of being a mother.  After a few months of wallowing, I saw my FS again(without DH) and we planned for IVF # 2 in December.  

Unfortunately tragedy struck my family before then and my amazing dad passed on of a heart attack.  I spent months in shock and trying to support my mum.  I wasn’t even thinking about ttc then.  But as I started to heal, thoughts of ttc started up again.  I saw my FS again in March and he put me on two month of DHEA and Logynon.  The plan was to do another IVF in June, however we realized that he will be away at the ER stage so we have postponed to July.  This suits me just fine as I have just resigned at my old job, and have accepted a position at a new company.  I realize that the timing is bad.  Everything was in favour of me staying at my old job : I have leave saved up for IVF, I would be able to get time off for appointments with no hassle, I have maternity benefits.  I have none of these at my new job, except for OPPORTUNITY.  So I decided to throw caution to the wind.  And start living my life.  I have been held hostage by my desire to have a baby for too long. 

And guess what the crazy thing is, I’m hoping I will be so busy with my job that I won’t have time to stress over ttc.  Doesn’t that sound vaguely like “Relax, and it will happen” !?!?!? 

HAPPY ICLW !!!!

But I definitely ain’t no “slim” shady lol 

I have had a busy week.  So much has happened.  This is going to be a looong one ! 

A Quick Mothers Day Update – Mother’s Day was really good.  DH suggested that we invite my mum and gran to spend the weekend with us (he’s good that way) since it was going to be my mum’s first Mothers Day without my dad and we knew she would be very emotional.  We also invited his mum, aunt and sister (unmarried) to have lunch with us on Mother’s Day.  We also decided at the last minute to invite my SIL’s (brother’s wife) mother.  Both her kids live away from home and she would’ve been alone.  Also my SIL has always treated my parents so well, like her own.  And it was my way of saying Thank You.  DH’s suggestion again – see, he IS a good man. We cooked up a storm! OK, he cooked, I assisted J  We rallied around the mother’s all day.  We got them all gifts.  They all had an awesome day.  And my beautiful mum was surrounded by people so she didn’t have much time to be sad.  (She did have a VERY emotional moment when I gave her her gift, a framed pic of her and my dad, but I had the good sense to give it to her during the few moments we had alone) 

I got a gift too….Armani Diamonds perfume, my absolute favourite, and a very sweet card from Foster Kid.  The card said “ thank you mum for taking care of me the whole year, I will never forget you”  My heart went out to him.  I decided then and there that I was going to try my level best to be a mother to him.  A week later and I can tell you that it is harder said than done but I am still trying.  I know that I will never love him or feel even remotely towards him like I would my own child, but I know that I have to try and show him some affection at least.  He didn’t choose to be motherless, the same way I didn’t choose to be childless.  And whilst there’s only so much I can do about being childless, it is in my power to give this child some semblance of having a mother.  I even got an email from DH during the week thanking me for making time for Foster Kid, and that it makes a difference in his behavior. 

Since Mother’s Day, there has been love, laughter and peace in our home, something that has been sadly lacking recently. 

Appointment with my FS – I had my appointment on Friday.  DH was away again so it was just me, which I think suits me better.  We were all set to start the next round of IVF when Dr C realized that he was going to be away at the end of June, which would be around the ER stage.  So we postponed it for one month.  Going in, this is what I hoped we could do.  Mainly because I was starting to panic and really feel like I was  not ready, healthwise, emotionally.  I just need another month.  I think I’m also running scared as this is going to be my last attempt, if it fails I have no other plan.  I will have to call it quits.  It’s definitely easier to live in hope than to admit failure.  So the plan is, I see Dr C on the 2nd day of my next period and we take it from there.  After wanting and waiting for so long, I feel so relieved that I have a month’s reprieve.  These ttc emotions can be pretty strange! 

Wanted to tell you about my new job but this crazy man is snooping around wanting to know what I’m up to – he doesn’t know I have a blog. Will fill you in tomorrow!

 So, here’s my answer to Day 6 of the blog challenge (yes I know it’s already the 20th of the month !)

Day 6: Discuss how you found your way into the ALI community, and what being part of it has meant to you – good and bad. (ALI = adoption/loss/infertility)

For so many years, I was totally clueless that there was such a huge community out there of women who would be able to share my sorrows and my triumphs.  I always felt so utterly alone.  Nobody in my life could truly understand my pain and fears, even those that loved me and tried.  How could they ever comprehend such a unique feeling of emptiness. 

Then one day,  I was snooping in the section of the library that dealt with women’s issues, and came across a most amazing book by Tertia Albertyn called So Close.  It dealt with her battle with infertility, her NINE IVF’s (!), the loss of her son who was born premature, her downward spiral into depression, and how she eventually conceived her twins.  If you haven’t read or heard of this book, please make an attempt to get your hands on it. Crazy lady, awesome book!  I have since read this book FOUR times and I always feel comforted after reading it, like I had a long chat with a good friend. 

Anyway, after reading the book I had to know more about Tertia.  I googled her, came across her site, and saw a link to a site called Fertilicare which is a South African based infertility support group.  I was welcomed so warmly, and for the first time was able to communicate with PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTOOD. 

From this forum, I also started following the blogs of other South Africam women, and then stumbled across many more from women all over the world. 

Being a part of this community certainly does have its up and downs.  The upside is when I am down/upset/angry/hurt there are so many women out there reaching out to support me and empathise.  It is invaluable.  To know that I am not alone, to be assured that I’m not such a failure after all, that support can never be underestimated.  That women from across the world can give me a hug, albeit virtual, it’s a strange, uncomplicated, unique friendship. 

The downside (which is something that has been mentioned recently) is that you hear it all, know it all when it comes to infertility and especially loss.  And you learn that you can never ever let your guard down, get too complacent and think that you’re in the clear.  Your baby can be snatched from you even when you’ve been assured that all is perfect.  And so those who do actually manage to conceive, spend most of their pregnancies worrying, instead of just enjoying it.  I know for sure that if and when my turn comes, I will be just the same. 

Also, I do tend to so caught up in Blogland that I shy away from real people and real-life friendships, something which I am trying to rectify.

Hi All 

Hope you had a good weekend.  I spent an amazing weekend with my family, and after a long long time I am feeling loved, and strong and so hopeful about my life, with or without a baby.  Let’s hope I can sustain this positivity.  Will tell you more about my Mother’s Day in the next few days but here’s Day 5 (OMG I so stink at this) of the blog Challenge *embarrassed blush*

 Day 5:

Write a letter (one that you never have to send) to a fertile in your life. Did they hurt you? Support you? Tell them how you feel, all the things you can’t bring yourself to say in person. 

Letter to my Pregnant Colleague 

Dear N           

For some strange reason, an unlikely friendship has developed between you and me.  What possibly attracts you, an optimistic chirpy 24 year old to me, a cynical married 35 year old lady, I really don’t know.  But you seem to enjoy my friendship.  I think it’s really sweet when you bug me to sit with you while you’re having your lunch and that you pull up a chair to my desk once a day to have a chat.   I do recognize the way you speak to me.  I spoke to older woman in that tone when I was younger, convinced that their lives were boring and that they would be entranced by the drama in my life.  But that’s okay because I don’t think you would be able to handle the intensity of my life anyway. 

When you announced your pregnancy recently, it almost broke my heart.  Here you were single, carefree, totally uninterested in marriage let alone a baby.  And here I am, married for 6 years, crying for a baby every day, and barren as the Sahara.  I know you have no way of knowing this but listening to your pregnancy and baby stories every single day causes me quite a bit of angst.  You see, I have been wanting my own baby for years.  I announce my pregnancy to my family and make them all happy.  I want to go shopping for baby clothes, and write Facebook statuses about my huge appetite.  I want to have the problem of a growing belly and not having clothes that fit.  I want people to tease me about my huge bum.  I want nausea and heartburn.  I want to be excited about scans and nervous about the birth.  But I’m not sure if I will ever have the opportunity to experience any of those things.  And it’s heart breaking.  But still I listen to your stories with a smile on my face. 

So I want to say to you “STOP !!!!” – stop complaining, stop worrying about petty things.  Stop creating problems where there are none.  Just stop.  And appreciate that you have this life inside of you.  This beautiful little angel that will soon be in your arms.  Appreciate that you managed to achieve this miracle “by accident”  Appreciate that you can take your baby’s health for granted.  Appreciate that you never to have to be concerned about your advanced age, your lack of follicles, your partner’s sperm, your blocked tubes.  You never have to go without coffee, carbohydrates after 3, dark chocolate, girl’s nights out, a few tots of tequila, nice clothes, weekends away because you are saving for the next round of treatment.  You never have to wonder why you bother to have sex if there’s no conception to go with it.  You never have to look at you partner and wonder if he’s wondering why he married you, and that he might have been a dad many times over if he had married his ex.  Appreciate that you are succeeding at being a woman in the most basic way.  Succeeding at something at which I am failing miserably.  But still I listen to your stories with a smile on my face.

AWOL

Posted on: May 10, 2012

I’ve been AWOL from blog land for the last week.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I seem to have lost my zest for pretty much everything.  My emotions are all over the place.  I even abandoned my Blog Challenge as every attempt to answer the questions have lead to tears.  I’m even crying over Cake Boss!  Ok, so it was the episode that Mauro tattooed Madeline on his arm to commemorate their 20th anniversary.  I have not commented on one blog, even though I read them all. 

Hubby bought himself a new car two days ago, it’s a Audi TT.  It’s a very expensive (by my standards), very fast sports car.  Add that to a wood-fired pizza oven, a new washing machine, funky new bar stools, new blinds and you will have a basic list of things that my dearest Husband has chosen to spend his money in the last two months alone, as opposed to IVF, healthy food, vitamins, a family car etc etc.

Oh well, at least I know he’s a sure thing as far as sperm donation goes !

I called Dr Chatterbox’s room today to make an appointment and was asked “Are you calling for gynae or infertility?”  Nice!  Like I needed a reminder.  I have an appointment for the 18th, we will decide on the way forward.  I wish I could dredge up some enthusiasm for this IVF.  I wish I still had the blind optimism I had the first time around. 

Blog land has been awash with BFP’s.  Such an exciting time for all those ladies. And I wish them only the very best.  But off course it comes with fear and uncertainty for me.  Will I EVER get there ?  Or will I be the class dud again ? 

Mother’s Day is this Sunday.  It’s going to be rough day for so many reasons.  It’s going to be my mum’s first Mother’s Day without my dad.   I know she’s going to be very emotional. 

But, Happy Mother’s Day to all you beautiful ladies.  We may not be mothers biologically, but as women do we not mother all our loves ones ?  Are we not Mother’s to our spouses, our siblings, our friends, our fur babies, and even our parents ?  

Anyway, hope you not wanting to slit your wrists after reading my post.  I promise to snap out of it by the new week.

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