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Archive for January 2012

One of the fundamental differences between men and woman (apart from the obvious difference in body parts) is a man’s ability to completely compartmentalize his life, whereas a woman carries her happiness and sorrows with her at all times. 

 

A simple example :  Say you have a huge argument with your husband one evening and you go to bed without making up.  You get up next morning, get ready for work and leave home without saying much to each other.  You go to work, subdued and troubled all day.  You might confide in a colleague that you are close to.  You go over the argument in your mind all day long, picking it apart.  “Did he actually have the gall to say that to me ?!?!?  After all the things I’ve done and all the things I’ve let pass” etc etc . Or if you are in a particularly masochistic mood  “Was it me ?  I shouldn’t have been so nasty/impatient/moody” etc etc.  You will compose long emails to him listing your grievances, pouring out your hurt/frustration/anger.  You count the minutes till you get home so you can either continue your “conversation” so he gets your point of view or you can forget the whole thing happened, and kiss and make up.  And people who know you well might be able to tell that you’re not quite yourself today.

 

Cut to the man : He goes to work, singing along with the radio in the car, cheerfully greets his colleagues, laughs raucously over email, enjoys a bit a porn sent to him by his BF,  goes through a hard days work, maybe a few drinks and a game of cards with his pals after work.  All this time, he has not ONCE thought of you or the argument you had last night.  He is neither stressing about it, nor is wondering what your mood will be like when he see’s you again.  Neither is anyone aware of the fact that just a few hours prior he was facing a crockery-breaking banshee.

 

Right.  So where’s all this leading you ask.  Well normally I’m a typical example of the lady above.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  And DH is a typical example of the man above, cold-hearted b*stard (on the surface at least!)  But today I find myself being able to completely shut down that part of myself that’s raw, bruised and bleeding.  And actually do a pretty good impersonation of Mrs Happy.  Which is no mean feat considering that I woke up this morning, with my babylessness (my word) foremost in my mind.  The cuplrit, a rather vivid dream I had in the early hours of this morning.  In my dream, I POAS, something i have never done before (never had reason to) And there were TWO lines!! Off course i was ecstatic.  So DH and I go to our GP who does a blood test and confirms that we are indeed PREGNANT !!  Oh the joy of such news!  And I say to DH that we will keep it under wraps until we reach the 12 week milestone.  And then I got up 😦  It was crushing.  And i so expected to be wrapped in that cocoon of misery all day.  But, like a man, i was able to compartmentalise.  I just went about my day, and allowed myself only a certain time to be miserable, which meant i bawled my eyes out on the drive home.  But I survived the day.  Aided by the fact that when i mentioned the dream to DH, he didn’t give me a flippant insensitive remark.  He said “sorry babe” 🙂

Wish i could be in a manly way everyday.

 

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I’ve been having such weird dreams lately. 

 Dream 1 : I am making a poster.  On the left is a big red heart.  On the heart I stick pictures of babies.  To the right of the heart is my DH, with a chisel in his hand, chiseling away at my heart.  And it is starting to crack on that side…….

I think I might have woken up at that stage, and thinking about the fact that I don’t have a baby to call my own.  And I was filled with such an intense longing and pain, I felt like I would explode. 

Ohhhhkay. So it doesn’t take a genius to figure this one out.  Obviously I’m still smarting from DH’s responses to my angst.  This is the story : I have this friend, we used to work in the same office, and were roommates at our company’s reward trip to Turkey.  She has since moved away.  She got married a year and a half ago, and has been trying to conceive for about 6 months.  She confided in me when she couldn’t conceive as she was one of few people who I had confided in about my efforts and all the heartache I had been experiencing.  So after 6 whole months of trying, she called me up the other day.  And we said our hellos.  And she said she’s in hospital.  And I said, Oh no why ?  But in my heart I knew, I just knew that blow was coming.  Yes you guessed it, she is PREGNANT !!  And in hospital because she has bad morning sickness.  I tried with all my might to sound happy, I hope I did I good job.  But I swear I could hear my heart breaking.  I had to hide in the toilet so I could cry my buckets of tears in private, then straighten myself up and pretend like all was fine.  So when DH bbm’d me,  I told him about my friend’s pregnancy.  His response : “You can’t get upset every time someone gets pregnant” !!!!!!!  Even thinking about this, days later, I am still in shock that this man who supposedly loves me could be so blasé about my hopes and dreams, about my pain and anguish, about my utter hopelessness for the future.  If only he had said “Don’t worry my love, we will have our own one day” or “Don’t worry my love I am here for you even if we never have children” or even “I’m sorry that you are in pain”  I really am at a loss.

 Dream 2 : My dad and I are in a foreign country.  I am walking towards him but before I reach him, I am buffeted my strong winds.  A man tells us that there is a tornado coming and that we need to take shelter, and he points out a building.  We try to make our way towards the building, but the wind is so strong that I am literally flat on the floor, inching my way towards the building, looking for hand holds, almost as if I am climbing a wall.  I pick my head, and there’s my dad, calmly walking his way toward the building.  But he seems untouched by the wind, and he does not turn around to help me L  Am I having issues of abandonment ?


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