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Archive for March 2012

I’m tired.  I need a holiday.  I want to book in to a luxurious hotel, just by myself.  I want a room with sea-views.   I want to be able to lie in bed in my thick white hotel gown and watch TV/read/eat chocolates all day.  I want a nice hotel breakfast.  Forget the diet for a day, forget healthy eating and yoghurt and seeds and low fat.  I want a giant cappuccino and a chocolate croissant.  I want an omelet with extra cheese, mushrooms and crispy bacon bits.  I want a thick slice of white bread, toasted with extra butter.  I want to go on a looooong walk on the beach.  I want to be able to do this with no disturbances, no cell phone beeping every two minutes.  Without my mum calling me to sort out some crises, without my gran giving me orders, without fighting for attention from my DH and competing for his attention with the foster kid. 

I am tired.  I thought I would have a restful week.  DH is away in Johannesburg for business, Foster Kid is on school holiday, my mum and her friend are house-sitting another friends house, and my gran is at her sons house

I thought I was going to have a restful week but this is what it turned out to be.

Monday – my turn to car pool but DH’s car still broken so he has to use my car and drop me off.  Get up early and leave home early enough to fetch passenger and for DH to get back to his office on time.  Busy day at work leading up to month end.  Also stressing about Fur Baby (Gizmo) who has some kind of injury and needs to be taken to vet but had disappeared as he normally does during the day.  Get home after work.  Go shopping with DH for his year end function.  Get home at 7.  Quick meal.  Iron etc for work the next day.  Tidy up a bit.

Tuesday – Work again.  After work, rush to vet to visit Gizmo (he’s admitted for one night) DH decides to get take out, thank god.  Rush back home.  Give DH a haircut.  Iron/pack etc for next day.  No power from about 8pm.

Wednesday – up at 5am.  Leave home at 6:30 to drop DH off at airport.  Go straight to work.  After work, rush to vet to pick up Gizmo.  Rush back home.  Prepare supper and meals for the next day for Foster Kid as he will be home alone.  Clean up previous night’s supper dishes and all the candle left overs from the night before.  Iron etc for the next day.  Can’t sleep – which is always a problem when DH is away and I’m home alone.  Eventually get to sleep at about 12.

Thursday – up early, fetch passenger.  Departmental lunch today.  After work, fetch mum from her friend’s house and drama starts.  Mums neighbour calls to say that her house alarm is going off.  So we get to my house.  Pack my bag; pack a bag for Foster Kid.  Tell my cousin (who offered to babysit) that she can leave.  Pack all my vitamins/health food etc.  Pack the car and eventually ready to leave at 6pm.  As we drive off mum discovers that she has left her house keys behind at the house she was house-sitting!!!!  And guess what, she still wants to take a drive to her house to make sure everything’s ok.  Get stuck in bad traffic (roadworks) Its now really dark and we stuck on this road, bush on either side, we are sitting ducks.  Reach my mum’s house an hour later.  Pull into the drive way, everything seems ok.  A minute later we leave!  So much for that!  Get back to my house at 7:30, after filling up more petrol, getting bread and milk.  Add to this the fact that it is CD 1, I am bleeding like a slaughtered cow – so bad, I’ve never experienced it like this before.  I am tired, sore, uncomfortable, in need of a hot shower and high irritable.  And barely talking to my mum.  Can’t even bring myself to have shower.  Can’t sleep. Go to bed at 11.

Friday – I’m at work now.  My mum gave me the silent treatment this morning, pay back for me not wanting to talk last night.  After work I will have to fetch her, take her back to her friend’s house (half an hour’s drive) to fetch her keys, fetch my gran, and drive back to my mum’s house and spend the night there.

Saturday – I suspect my mum is going to be getting me up at 6:30 as she will have suddenly found something urgent to go.  Either that or I will have to deal with her crying and sighing all day.

OK, I realise this all sounds a bit garbled but I’m too tired to attempt to make it easier.

 I’m tired and I need a holiday.

Signs

Posted on: March 30, 2012

Ever since my dad passed, my mum has wanted to go to a person who specialises in “crossing over” – like John Edwards.  She is so desperate to get some message from my dad and to my dad, to make sure he’s ok and off course, so many questions, did he know he was going to leave us and was he in any pain etc.  On Wednesday, the 6th month anniversary of my dad’s death, she was put in touch with someone who reads tarot cards, a complete stranger who knows none of our history.   She touched on so many things that were so true, that my mum is locking herself away in her big house and that she needs to sell that house and move away, that my mum was feeling unloved and missed the sense of touch.

One big announcement came out of it.  She said that my dad is missing us, and is in a hurry to come back.  And that my dad would come back to our family as a grandchild.  A granddaughter who would shower my mum with all the love and attention that she feels she’s missing.  She also said that it would happen within the next 6 months!

I can’t begin to tell you how much that made me cry.  I don’t want to be gullible and pin all my hopes on that prediction but, considering that I am planning another IVF in June and that I would love a little girl, I can’t help it, it leaves me breathless.

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So, the whole reason for taking a day off initially was my appointment with Dr Chatterbox (my FS).  I have really been stressing about this appointment.  It seems like my POA’s fly right out the window when I’m there as I am always blindsided by bad news.  First time I was told I would need to have a laparotomy to remove the cysts and would need a MONTH off work.  Then I was told that I am actually menopausal, forget the laparotomy, go straight to IVF.  So even though I had a definite POA in mind, a part of me knew that it might not necessarily work my way. 

I did mention to DH when I made the appointment, but didn’t mention if afterward.  I didn’t ask him to come with.  So imagine my surprise when he brought it up the day before and said that he would make time to be with me during the appointment.  I thanked him but not too effusively.   I got to my appointment at 9:30, Dr Chatterbox was running late (nothing new there)  After an hour DH, showed up and we waited together another hour.  I saw so many women with purple bags – those are the little bags that the IVF meds come in and you have to carry with you to every appointment during IVF – and it made me so sad to think that there’s so much pain out there, that something which comes so easily to so many should should be denied to us.  But I also must admit to feeling some sense of relief – I wasn’t the only “class dunce”  Unfortunately DH has to leave before it was my turn.  But I was fine with that.  I have psyched myself to being alone in this journey to “our” child.  He’ll thank me when he’s holding his daughter in his arms.

Back to my appointment – Dr Chatterbox had such a nice smile for me when he saw me.  We had a quick chat and then straight to scan.  In the almost year since I’ve seen him, I have lost the skill of removing my clothes in 20 seconds and was still undressing when he walked in. But I guess if a man is looking at your hoo-hoo every few days then being in a state of undress doesn’t really induce any embarrassment.  So we start the scan with the wand (oh, how I have not missed you my friend) and he says all seems good, there’s some follicles, uterus is ok but stuck down, no cysts, all good.  WHOA, hold up Doc !!  Did u say NO CYSTS ?!?!!?  Those same cysts that I have had for the last FIVE YEARS ???  Those same cysts that have been causing untold pain when AF arrives ??  Those same cysts that I was told would need to be removed via a laparotomy (laparotomy = huge cost, huge cut, pain pain and more pain) and that I would require a month off work to recover from???  So my frned the wand goes wandering into my abdomen again, with Dr C pressing down with all his might (eoff!) and …………..Ladies and Gentlemen, bring on the drum roll because those damn cysts have vanished !!!!

 

I can’t begin to tell you how happy I was.  I was beaming.  One would think I was PG already !!  All those years of having those blasted things and they just disappear without me knowing!  FS put it down to my exercising – I joined the gym in Dec.  I have also been trying ( but not always succeeding) to just lead a more healthy lifestyle, mentally and physically.  So I am taking these vanished cysts as a sign.  This is going to be my year.  This is going to be my time.  More positivity is coming my way.

 So………

I have a new POA !!! *happy dance*

POA as follows :

  • Start DHEA immediately.
  • He put me on something called Logynan that I need to start when AF comes and it will ensure I have two smooth cycles.
  • And then I have to see him again end of May when I will Collect My Program
  • IVF planned for June !!!

There’s just the small matter of laying my hands the other R25000 required for IVF but where there’s a will there’s a way !

DH was also quite thrilled and said “Does this mean we can start trying naturally now” ??  Errrr no darling, there’s the small matter of my blocked tubes.  Think he was just hoping to get lucky, AND escape the sample bottle I was hiding in my bag 😉  No such luck baby, if I can have a strange man fiddle with my love-box then you can jerk off into a bottle !!

There’s also the small matter of me starting a new job in June (see previous post) – but I refuse to give up either of those things and will just have to cross that bridge when I come to it!

Once you choose hope, anything’s possible ~ Christopher Reeve

 

Once again a huge gap in updating this blog but I have been busy, and I have good news. A bit of a long post but bear with me plzzzzzz

Ok so, Wednesday 21/03/2012 was a public holiday in South Africa, Human Rights Day, which doesn’t require too much explanation of you know the history of this country. So I decided to use my Valentine’s Half Day, add my own annual half day and viola, two days off right in the middle of the week. And two really exciting, possibly life-changing things happened on my day off :

My Interview : First some background – I’ve been working for my current company for 6 years now. It started off as a temporary position when we moved cities. Six years later, and it is my second home. In the last 2 years I have had sufficient experience to start thinking of moving but TTC has stopped me in my tracks. Being an “old-timer” at this company allows me to request time off more easily. I have a really lenient manager, so taking an hour off in the morning for an FS visit and making up that time later in the day is not such a big deal. Which is a great help since a 7am appointment with Dr Chatterbox most times means that you only actually see him at 8:30!! We also have contingency plans in place so there are always people to fill in if one of the team is away for a few days. I have also been saving up my leave. So the one thing that I can count on to be non-stressful during TTC is work, hence the stagnancy.

A week ago I received a surprise call from my ex-manager. He was the Financial Director at my company, and resigned to be the Financial Manager of a multi-billion rand corporation. He said he had a few positions available and had earmarked me for one and would I be interested ? Off course I said yes straight away. And we set Tuesday as the interview date. It turned out to be the most unusual interview I’ve been to. None of the really irritating “so where do you see yourself in 5 years” kinda questions. We basically chatted like old friends. He said he knows me well, and what I am capable of and basically it was up to me to decided whether I wanted to join his team or not! He even asked if I wanted a few days to think about it. I said “no thinking required, I definitely want to join your team”! Even though there will not be a huge jump in my salary, I think this is an amazing opportunity for me. I will be learning an international software. And joining such a huge company means there’s always opportunity for growth. And I would love to work with this man again !! To put this into perspective, he hired another lady from my department a month ago. Since then there’s been a flurry of people emailing their cv’s to him begging for a job, any job. I was not one of them (yes, I guess small part of me was smarting that he hadn’t contacted me first, I’m crazy like that) And then of all the CV’s he already had, he still chose to call me 

Right, so I have been offered the position. Only thing is that’s it a new team and he’s recruiting in steps. Which means he only wants me to start either in May or in June. Or even earlier if he can get his ducks in a row !!! Luckily I have a two week notice period so will be ready to move on short notice. So for now I need to start rounding things up here, surreptitiously.

Which brings me to my second bit of exciting news which I think I’m going to save for tomorrow……

So two days ago a whining, bloated, depressed, pathetic, inadequate, helpless, powerless, spineless woman hacked in to my blog and posted a sorry sad tale!!!!    It definitely wasn’t me because, I can assure you, I AM NOT THAT WOMAN. Ok so I may have been a bit bloated and depressed but that’s where the comparison ends.

I am resilient.  I have weathered many storms.  I am a formidable opponent; I will not let the complications of life bring me down.  I will not go gently into the night!  I am all powerful.  I am the master of my destiny.  I am Superwoman.  Ok maybe not, but you get the picture.

Just to remind me just how much I’ve got going for me, today I will be counting my blessings (in no particular order): 

  • My husband – I have the most amazing DH.  He cooks, he cleans, he nutures.  He puts my PJ’s out in front of the heater on cold days, so that they are warm when I get out of the shower.  He will spend in last cent to make me my favourite meal.  He makes me chicken soup when I’m ill, and will feed it to me while I am in bed.  He shares everything that he has with me, and when it comes to food gives me the bigger portion (coz he knows I’m a foodie)  He always welcomes my family with open arms, and shows his affection by making them nice things to eat.  He never complains when I drop everything to spend time with my mum (after my dad passed)
  • My parents – may parents have been my pillar of strength.  They have supported my brother and me no matter what we do, even if it’s not necessarily what they want for us.  They worked hard over the years to give us a home, an education, and lotsa love.  It was through them that I was able to do my first IVF.  And when I felt like I was getting no support from DH, my dad my mum to tell me (coz that’s how he communicates;-) that I will never be alone as long as they are around.  And when I all gets too much, I can drive over to their house and get pampered.  I wanted so much to make them grandparents.  My dad was a primary school (Grades 1, 2 and 3) teacher for 41 years of his life.  He loved children and they loved him in return.  My mum is a qualified midwife and has been delivering and looking after other people’s babies for so many years.  They have both worked in and supported their community for a combined 80 years.  They both are the only people in their families to have risen above circumstance, have professional jobs and have a normal happy family.  Parents that anybody would be proud to call their own.
  • My brother – what can I say about the world’s best brother.  He covered for me when we were younger and I wanted to sneak out of the house.  We baked together on Sunday afternoons when we were bored.  We watched cartoons together.  We complained about our parents to each other.  He stayed home from university to spend the day with me when I had my heart broken.  Now that we are adults, he treats me like his baby sister, even though he is 6 years younger than me !  He’s even able listen to my IVF stories without being embarrassed !!  Unfortunately, we do not live in the same city and only see each other every 2-3 months L
  • My sis-in-law – I often refer to my sis-in-law as “my sis” (in status updates etc) and people always get confused.  But that’s exactly what she is to me, the sister I never had.  We confide in each other, we advise each other, we support each other.  My SIL had a sister my age that passed on of Lupus many years ago, and for her I am that lost sister.  What an amazing relationship we have !
  • My gran – another strong woman in my life.  My gran will be 82 in a few months.  She cooks and cleans.  She never keeps still.  She goes to church every Sunday.  And she belongs to a group of Senior Citizens that meet every week, and very often go out.  Despite being illiterate, my gran is one smart woman.  She loves nothing better than to cook up a big pot of something and watch her family eating together.  And her eyes always light up when she sees me.
  • My health – despite my very bad reproductive health, everything else in my body functions like it should.  I can take a long walk on the beach, I can hug my DH, I can eat my favourite foods and smell the coffee that I’m struggling to quit.
  • My fur babies – my sweet babies.  I could swear the one’s is saying “Ma” when he meows.  They climb all over me when I’m asleep, they walk over my bed in their dirty paws.  Dare I leave an item of clothing on my bed, then they will curl and sleep in it and cover it in hair.  But all is forgiven when they keep my toes warm at night.  And look at me with those eyes.  I am their mummy, and they might be the only babies I’ll ever have and I love them to bits.
  • My friends – even though we don’t see each other as often as we should, my friends are always there when I need them.  I can tell them ANYTHING without fear that it will be repeated or used against me.
  • My house – I have a tiny little open plan house, in a complex. It’s my little piece of heaven.  I have my own bedroom, and when the world gets too much to handle, I can hide away in my room, under the covers, read a book or listen to music. 
  • My job – I have a job that I go to everyday, and that pays me a salary every month.  I get lunch breaks, increases, leave, sick days and bonuses. I get free tea and coffee every day.  This job allows me to have a home, a car, nice clothes, healthy food.  And has given me the opportunity of just trying IVF.
  • My car – DH bought me my own car last year.  It’s a zooty little thing which I love to bits.  It has given me that extra bit of independence.  And gives me the opportunity to storm out of an argument with DH – yes, I’m a drama queen.
  • Besides the recent loss of my dad, I have not had any great sorrow in my life. 
  • I have not lost any babies.  This blessing is inspired by a most amazing woman whose blog I have recently started following. Mo you are an inspiration.

So those are my biggest blessings.   It’s a whole lot more than most people have.  I have no reason to complain.  

I think that I should laminate this list and leave at my bedside so I can read it every day.

 

 

WARNING – PITY PARTY IN FULL SWING !!!

I am having a bleak dark day.  I feel the weight of my failures pressing down on me, drowning me in a sea of misery and regret.  How did I get here?  This fruitless life ?  All I have ever aspired towards was being loved and to be able to give all my love.  Yet I have failed that miserably, as a wife and as a mother.  I’m not quite sure what brought on this feeling of utter desolation.

Maybe it’s the rain. It’s been raining so heavily all weekend, due to a cyclone in Mozambique.  And my house is so not conducive to a rainy day.  It feels so cold and unwelcoming.  And my fur babies looooove the rain (yes, my cats are as crazy as I am) and they’ve tracked their wet muddy paws all over my furniture and wooden floors.  And I struggled to sleep last night so I struggled to get up this morning.  And I couldn’t find the warm top I was looking for.  And I was late so I rushed around like crazy.

 Maybe it’s because it’s CD 1.  I have never been that person who feels down when AF arrives, purely because I’ve known since before I wanted babies that I wouldn’t be able to conceive naturally.  So I’ve had not expectations of it happening miraculously.  There have been the odd month when AF was a day or so late and I thought just maybe it would happen.  But AF is a sure thing, and would arrive at my doorstep the very day.  I even tried the “if I don’t think about it, it will happen” strategy – guess what, it didn’t happen !!  Not that I was able to “not think about it”

Maybe it’s because one of my colleagues has just handed in her resignation, the one person in my department who I can kinda confide in (not abt IF though).   Our previous manager contacted her and offered her a job at his new company.  I’ll admit that the green eyed monster did attack initially but I truly am happy for her.  She’s a really giving person, and it’s only right that she gets some in return.  If the job had been offered to me I’m not sure I would be in a position to accept as it entails quite a bit of initial travelling due to training.  And I am not prepared to delay another IVF for anything.  However it just brings to the fore how stagnant my work life is. 

Maybe it’s because it’s The Foster Kid’s birthday today.  He turns 9.  I haven’t bought him anything and wasn’t planning on doing anything but guilt got the better of me and I have just emailed DH suggesting a supper the local restaurant.  When he turned 4 (it was his first birthday with us) I went all out, got a huge cake, got tons of prezzies, got a whole lot of kids together and threw him a party.  Nowadays, I get “invited” to his party.  DH called me on Saturday to say that his sister was throwing The Foster Kid a party and would I like to come.  And whilst I know that is it my decision not to be involved in his life, it still irks that this child lives in my home, and I am expected to take care of him but I get “invited” to his party.  DH’s sister did the same thing last year.  She planned a party and nobody told me about it.  I only found out when a mutual friend told me the day before that MY DH was going to busy carting children around for the party this weekend !!!  How stupid did I feel that I had bo idea what she was talking about?!?!?  And when I confronted him he said that no party was planned, yet the very next day his sister had a huge cake, matching party goodies (cups/plates/party packs etc) tons of kids, not to mention an iPod for a 8year old !

And (G*D I know this is pathetic and petty but I’m going to say it anyway) – I picked up my phone to send DH a “I love you message” and he had The Foster Kid as his profile pic with his status saying “9 going on 19”.  And I am so very jealous.  He never ever has me has his profile pic.  It’s mainly our cats, and now The Foster Kid, but never me.  I’ll say again, I realize that this is stupid and childish and pathetic, but I wish for some display of love and ownership (if that’s the right word to use).  I felt the same way when I walked into his office and saw a drawing by The Foster Kid pinned onto his notice board, but no picture of me anywhere.  I feel like he’s just not proud to have me as his wife L

I am so full of anger and resentment towards all these people.  I know that it is up to me to lift myself up from this mire or it will eat me alive.   All I want is my own happy family.  Is it too much to ask for a child of my own, who I can raise as I see fit, who I can inculcate with the morals and values that I hold dear.  I am not worth loving ?  Am I not worth a DH who puts me first, who remembers that his first responsibility is to me.  

I am such a failure.

I made my mum cry today.  And the guilt is eating me alive.  At my dad’s funeral I made a silent promise to him that I would never do anything to upset my mum, I would do my best to take care of her.  But I failed at that today.

 Here’s how it started:

 Firstly, when my dad passed away in September I moved to my mum’s house as I was the only source of comfort and support that she had.  Every morning I would stop off at my house, fetch the foster kid and drop him off at school and then go to work.  Everyday after work I would go straight home to my mum.  I didn’t get to spend ANY time with DH.  We went on one date in December.  I missed him so much and I missed my space and my home but I had to be there for my mum.  At the end of Jan, after 4 months, I finally moved back home.  But I now have to divide my time between my home and my mums.  I spend every weekend with her.  I go straight to her house after work on a Friday and straight to work on a Monday morning.  Some weeks I fetch her on a Thursday afternoon, drop her off at my house on Friday morning so she can supervise the domestic, then drive to work, fetch her after work and then drive to her house.  As you can imagine, this gets rather tiring for me as it is a half an hour drive from her house to mine, and then another half an hours drive from my house to work.  It also means that I am constantly packing and unpacking.  My clothes/shoes/accessories etc are never there when I require them.  Pretty frustrating.

 When I am at my mum’s house, I take on all responsibilities that belonged to my dad.  I park the cars at night, and lock up.  I have learnt to change a light bulb.  I now know what to do when a power switch trips and the lights go off.  When the TV/decoder/satellite is on the blink, it’s me who attempts the repair.  As my gran said today, having me around is like having a man around.

 Besides the physical support, I also provide tons of emotional support to my mum.  I call her every morning when I get to work and about three or four times during the day.  I call her again at night.  At least one if not more than those conversations are more than half an hour long.  When I am with her, I allow her to speak endlessly of my dad without her having to censor or cut short her outpouring, something which she gets from no one else.  We go where she wants to go, we do what she wants to do.  And I do it willingly because I love her dearly and I want to do whatever I can to bring her a little bit of peace and happiness.  If I can bring her smile to her lips, it makes me happy.

 But she also puts pressure on me in so many little ways.  Because she’s an early bird, she expects me to get up early every weekend, even though I get up at the crack of dawn during the week.  If I don’t get up when she wants me to then she will come into the room and make a noise or nag.  Or she will have something important to do, banking etc, that will requires me to be up early.  For someone who loves her sleep, this has been annoying me.  And she is constantly rushing me from one place to another, despite the fact that I am literally running doing things during the week.  And she bosses me about like a child when she chooses.  “Get up now, you shower first (coz we both lazy to shower) go there, do this”  I am so tired of being treated like a child.  More than that, not only do I have to take instructions from my mum, but it get them from my gran as well (my gran lives with my mum).  It is driving me INSANE!!!

 So back to this morning, we establish that while do have things to do at the mall they are not urgent.  Despite that my mum, after hours of chatting, suddenly starts nagging me and rushing me.  And I just exploded.  And told her to give me break and that I was already so stressed and that she was putting too much pressure on me, for NO reason!

 Needless to say, she started crying.  And says she doesn’t know how much longer she has to go on without my dad.  And I say “while why don’t u just strike me down dead too”  😦  Yes I know that was uncalled for but I was just so upset.  And yes it is a week before AF is due and my PMS is through the roof.  I know that’s no excuse though.  I feel so guilty.  I spent the rest of the day trying to make it up to her.

 Why do mothers and daughters have such a complicated relationship ?!!??!


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