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Blog Challenge Day 5 *blush blush* and Some Positivity

Posted on: May 14, 2012

Hi All 

Hope you had a good weekend.  I spent an amazing weekend with my family, and after a long long time I am feeling loved, and strong and so hopeful about my life, with or without a baby.  Let’s hope I can sustain this positivity.  Will tell you more about my Mother’s Day in the next few days but here’s Day 5 (OMG I so stink at this) of the blog Challenge *embarrassed blush*

 Day 5:

Write a letter (one that you never have to send) to a fertile in your life. Did they hurt you? Support you? Tell them how you feel, all the things you can’t bring yourself to say in person. 

Letter to my Pregnant Colleague 

Dear N           

For some strange reason, an unlikely friendship has developed between you and me.  What possibly attracts you, an optimistic chirpy 24 year old to me, a cynical married 35 year old lady, I really don’t know.  But you seem to enjoy my friendship.  I think it’s really sweet when you bug me to sit with you while you’re having your lunch and that you pull up a chair to my desk once a day to have a chat.   I do recognize the way you speak to me.  I spoke to older woman in that tone when I was younger, convinced that their lives were boring and that they would be entranced by the drama in my life.  But that’s okay because I don’t think you would be able to handle the intensity of my life anyway. 

When you announced your pregnancy recently, it almost broke my heart.  Here you were single, carefree, totally uninterested in marriage let alone a baby.  And here I am, married for 6 years, crying for a baby every day, and barren as the Sahara.  I know you have no way of knowing this but listening to your pregnancy and baby stories every single day causes me quite a bit of angst.  You see, I have been wanting my own baby for years.  I announce my pregnancy to my family and make them all happy.  I want to go shopping for baby clothes, and write Facebook statuses about my huge appetite.  I want to have the problem of a growing belly and not having clothes that fit.  I want people to tease me about my huge bum.  I want nausea and heartburn.  I want to be excited about scans and nervous about the birth.  But I’m not sure if I will ever have the opportunity to experience any of those things.  And it’s heart breaking.  But still I listen to your stories with a smile on my face. 

So I want to say to you “STOP !!!!” – stop complaining, stop worrying about petty things.  Stop creating problems where there are none.  Just stop.  And appreciate that you have this life inside of you.  This beautiful little angel that will soon be in your arms.  Appreciate that you managed to achieve this miracle “by accident”  Appreciate that you can take your baby’s health for granted.  Appreciate that you never to have to be concerned about your advanced age, your lack of follicles, your partner’s sperm, your blocked tubes.  You never have to go without coffee, carbohydrates after 3, dark chocolate, girl’s nights out, a few tots of tequila, nice clothes, weekends away because you are saving for the next round of treatment.  You never have to wonder why you bother to have sex if there’s no conception to go with it.  You never have to look at you partner and wonder if he’s wondering why he married you, and that he might have been a dad many times over if he had married his ex.  Appreciate that you are succeeding at being a woman in the most basic way.  Succeeding at something at which I am failing miserably.  But still I listen to your stories with a smile on my face.

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