My Blog

My First ICLW

Posted on: May 21, 2012

My first ICLW !!  I am so looking forward to making new friends.  I already spotted a few blogs that got my attention.  It has come at a really busy time in my life.  I’m crazy busy at work, I have just resigned and accepted a position at a new company.  Both my internet connectivity at home and on my phone is unstable.  However, I’m going all out for my first ICLW 🙂 

I before I start my Comment-A-Thon, let me tell you a little about me.  I am 35 years old (a month away from 36!), been married for 6 and a half years, and ttc for about 4.  I was told in 2005 that I would not be able to conceive naturally but it didn’t matter much to me then as I wasn’t even sure that I wanted children.  But when I turned 32 my biological clock went into overdrive and the desire to have children over-powered all else.  DH and I also have a Foster Child, a 9 year old boy who has been with us for the last 5 years.  It has not been a happy relationship but I am trying to rectify that.  This is not helped by the fact that DH refuses to understand my need for my own child and expects me to be content with having the Foster Child in my life.  As such, he makes no attempt to help me financially or emotionally in my ttc efforts.  He is unwilling to talk about it, or allow me to vent my feelings.  It’s a sad part of my ttc journey, that my other half will not share with me one of the most painful part of my life.  However I have realized that I need to soldier on, on my own.  I am willing to make that effort, not just for me, but for him too, for I know that he would be the happiest man if we were to have our own baby. 

In June of 2010, DH finally agreed to see an FS with me.  He diagnosed me with bi-lateral ovarian cysts.  But the shocker was my very low FSH and the diagnosis of early ovarian aging.  We went straight to IVF.  In Dec 2010, we received the news of our BFN.  DH was devastated.  The plan then was to wait a few months (for financial reasons) and try again.  But when the time came, DH withdrew his support, emotional and financial, and I was expected to just give up my dream of being a mother.  After a few months of wallowing, I saw my FS again(without DH) and we planned for IVF # 2 in December.  

Unfortunately tragedy struck my family before then and my amazing dad passed on of a heart attack.  I spent months in shock and trying to support my mum.  I wasn’t even thinking about ttc then.  But as I started to heal, thoughts of ttc started up again.  I saw my FS again in March and he put me on two month of DHEA and Logynon.  The plan was to do another IVF in June, however we realized that he will be away at the ER stage so we have postponed to July.  This suits me just fine as I have just resigned at my old job, and have accepted a position at a new company.  I realize that the timing is bad.  Everything was in favour of me staying at my old job : I have leave saved up for IVF, I would be able to get time off for appointments with no hassle, I have maternity benefits.  I have none of these at my new job, except for OPPORTUNITY.  So I decided to throw caution to the wind.  And start living my life.  I have been held hostage by my desire to have a baby for too long. 

And guess what the crazy thing is, I’m hoping I will be so busy with my job that I won’t have time to stress over ttc.  Doesn’t that sound vaguely like “Relax, and it will happen” !?!?!? 

HAPPY ICLW !!!!

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14 Responses to "My First ICLW"

Hi from ICLW. I wish you much success this time around. As a foster mom, myself, I know that it can be quite a challenge to bond with someone else’s child and even though he is there and still long for one of your own. I read your previous posts and it just breaks my heart that your DH isn’t understanding of that biological urge to have one. I really hope all goes well and will follow you on your journey and know that, even though we just ‘met’, I am here if you need.

Thank you Terry, youwrwords mean so much to me. For so long I have been ashamed of not being able to love this child like my own. And DH has added to that guilt. You make me feel less of a mosnter. Thank you for following my journey, I look foward to getting to know you better, and your wise words.

Thank you so much for stopping by my blog 🙂 I’m so sorry to hear your story… and sending you my thoughts after the passing of your father. You’ve had such a hard run… and so much harder without your husband’s support. Know that we’re all here with you… and sending you love, thoughts and wishes xoxo

Hi. Stopping by from ICLW. I, too, have DOR, and a failed (or cancelled) IVF. It’s an unbelievably painful journey, and I cannot imagine doing it without the support of my husband. You must truly be a strong woman. Good for you for going after your dream anyway, both professionally and personally. I’m looking forward to reading more of your story. -Kate

Hi Kate, thanks for finding me interesting enough to follow my blog 😉

And for your kind wors, and your support. They mean the world to me.

Hi from ICLW. I hope that all of this means you’re living YOUR life, and trying to enjoy it. Caution to the wind sounds so positive 🙂 good for you

Thank you! You guys are all so positive, its definitely rubbing off on me 🙂

And here’s another one from ICLW! I’m so sorry about the loss of your dad.
It sounds like your new job will be good for you, and even though you’re giving up what you list, sometimes it’s best not to be held hostage and to go for what you really want. Best of luck in the future!

Thank you for visiting my blog. I agree with you, just taking it one day at a time.

Welcome to ICLW! You have had quite a journey so far. I hope that your plans for IVF in July work out and that you and your husband are able to get on the same page, I can’t imagine how hard that is. Good luck!

ICLW #26

Thanks Trisha. Have been following your blog for a while now. Wishing you all the best too. I think you’re an incredibly strong woman.

Hooray for first-time ICLWers (I’m one, too!). I’m really sorry that your DH isn’t on board with this whole process – that’s really tough.
Wishing you all the best.

Hi from ICLW. I’m so sorry about the loss of your dad. Wishing you the best of luck with your July IVF!

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