My Blog

I have limped through this week.  My body seems to be in full protest, of what I do not know.  My tonsils are inflamed and my nose is blocked (causing me to snore like a train at night, poor DH) I have a slight temperature with flu-like symptoms, a tooth that has been behaving for years has been sore sore sore for the last few days, my IBS is creating havoc with my insides, I still have some dark brown discharge (sorry TMI) after AF, and a niggly pain on my left side. Oh and a mole I have had in a very private place (sorry TMI again) seems to suddenly be more raised and noticeable.  I haven’t been able to sleep thinking about what this means.  Considering that I am planning my IVF in two months, do I get the tooth removed ?  What if it becomes infected during the TWW, does this send my NK cells into overdrive.  And what about the mole?  Do I see a dermatologist ?  You would think after all the hours I have spent on a gynecologist’s table, I would’ve reached a stage where I didn’t care but I reeeeeeely CANNOT handle another person poking around in my nether regions.  I cannot bear the thought of anything delaying my next IVF.  But I also don’t want to shoot myself in the foot, especially since this next IVF will be my second and FINAL attempt at having my own baby. 

I’ve been counting the days till the weekend, when I can have some time to myself, relax, take a deep breath and figure out what to do. So you can imagine my frustration when my mum called me at 8AM this morning to say she wants to go to the mall tomorrow.  She saw these gold bangles that are half price and wants to snap them up before they are sold out.  This means I will either have to drive back and forth between her house and mine all weekend OR spend all weekend with her – in which case I won’t be spending any time at my house.  So at 8am this morning, I was sitting at my desk at work crying, and when DH called I just cried even more.  DH says I should talk to my mum and that she is becoming too dependent on me.  But I am so nervous to bring up anything that may hurt her, she is still so fragile and cries at the drop of a hat.  Guess my weekend of vegetating just went out the window 😦 

Anyway, enough complaining and back to the May Challenge – here are answers to Days 3 and 4.   Tomorrow I will have caught up and can revert to one answer a day.

Day 3:
What is in your handbag ?

OMG, my bag is a crazy mess at the moment.  I’m one of those people who lives out of my bag.  Here goes.

First, a little compartment at the side which has breath mints and antacids.

The main section has the following :

  • Wallet
  • A little vanity case with lipstick, lipliner, two types of lipgloss, face powder, labello, a mini nailclipper, mascara and eyeliner ( don’t be fooled, I’m don’t actually know what to do with these things.  I’ve always wanted to be one of those women who have flawless skin/make-up/hair/dress but I just can’t quite get it right.  I just don’t have the energy for it.  And quite honestly I would rather sleep an extra 15 minutes than get up early to do my hair)
  • Hairbrush
  • A pack of tissues
  • Deodorant
  • Phone charger
  • Hand cream
  • Sunglasses
  • A new pack of nail files I have yet to use
  • An just for today, my iPOD.

The little compartment on the outside has my house keys, earphones and memory stick.  And a little autograph of Chris Gayle (West Indian cricket legend) *stars in my eyes*  who I had the pleasure of meeting a while ago.
Day 4:
Besides Mothers Day, what is the hardest holiday for you as an infertile?

For some reason Mother’s Day is not really difficult for me.  What I dread is my birthday.  I have never been sensitive about my birthday.  I freely reveal my age, and most times people are surprised as they assume that I am younger.  But turning 35 last year was horrendous.  I was already emotional as DH had decided 2 months earlier that we didn’t have enough money for another IVF and expected me to “just move on” with my life.  I had sort of chosen 35 as a line in the sand, I always thought that I would stop ttc if I wasn’t pg by then.  Now I have another birthday coming up.  I never thought that I would be 36 and still childless.  Now my birthday is a day when all my failures come to haunt me.  I really do feel like the best part of my life is behind me. Somebody recently even guessed my age to be 38 (boy did wanna deck the d*ckbrain!). 

This year will also be my first birthday without my dad.  I will so miss his quirky sms’s (may your problems be “little ones”) his awkward hugs, and his dimpled smile.

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I bombed out spectacularly on the FIRST day of the May Blog Challenge.  I have a good reason I promise, just too long to explain. 

So here’s a quick catch up on days 1 and 2.

BE WARNED – I CAN RAMBLE !  😀

Day 1:
What is the meaning behind your blog name ?

Mmmmmmmm Ok right……good question. I guess I’ll need to start by admitting that I have terribly low self esteem.  It’s my top hate about myself.  I am constantly plagued by doubts.  I am always comparing myself to other people and finding myself lacking.  People are smarter than me, nicer than me, have more personality than me, are better looking than me, speak better than I do, dress better than I do etc etc.  Oh ya, and people can also have babies better than me.  When I am in a crowd of people that I don’t know very well, I think and rethink every word that leaves my lips.  Very often I think of something to say and realize that I sound quite lame/rude/crass/without class etc etc.  Only to have someone else say it and the group roars with laughter.  And I’m left kicking myself for doubting myself. 

As a child I was very shy.  As I’ve gotten older, I have taught myself to project confidence and so if you look at me you’ll see a happy confident woman (I hope!) I recently admitted to my SIL that I was shy and she didn’t believe me, so I guess I’m doing an okay job.  Quite a few people also think that I am snooty when they first meet me purely because I am unable to make the first move, and my initial conversations with people tend to be a bit guarded.  Thankfully they do find out that I am a pretty nice person once they get to know me. 

But the reality is that I am beset with doubt.  I doubt my ability to do things, I doubt that I am worthy of love and I most certainly doubt that I am Worthy of the Miracle of having my own baby, of seeing those lines on a HPT, of hearing a Dr say “Congrats, you’re pregnant”, of telling my mum that’s she’s going to a be a granny for the first time, and telling my brother he’s going to have a niece or nephew of his own, of telling my mum-in-law that she is indeed going to see that grandchild “before she dies”, of seeing the little heart beat for the first time, of finding out the sex, of feeling my baby summersault inside me (they do that right?), of hearing my baby’s cry for the first time, of carrying my baby against my chest and smelling her sweet baby smell (yes, I’m kinda partial to a girl), of nibbling on her cute little toes.  Am I worthy of being the best mommy I can be and of teaching my child to be the best that she can be. 
Day 2:
How did you and your partner decide when you were ready to start trying to conceive?

This wasn’t a joint decision, or even something I had decided myself.  It was a decision that Mother Nature made for me.  I have never particularly been baby person.  I never wanted to carry other people’s kids or exclaim how cute they were,  And I think the little buggers sensed it as babies really don’t like me.  Even now, I will pick up a baby and coo at her and she will screw up her face and HOWL!  DH, on the other hand, is loved by babies and kids.  They just flock to him. 

DH and I had never spoken to having babies of our own.  And when I was told in 2005 that both my tubes were blocked and I would not be able to conceive naturally, I do remember fighting back tears but it didn’t mean very much to me.  It was otherwise such a happy times of our lives.  DH had won an incentive at work and we had just been on an amazing all-paid cruise of the Baltic Sea.  We were a few months away from getting married (something that I once thought would never happen for me)  And we had just found out that DH had gotten a promotion and we would be moving back to our home town of Durban, back to our families. 

A few months after the wedding, we bought our own house.  And few months after that, Foster Kid came into our lives.  Then I turned 32 that biological clock went to high gear. I wanted a baby of my own and I wanted it now!  Unfortunately DH wasn’t interested in the least bit and felt like we had been given Foster Kid and we should be happy enough with him.  After 2 years of crying, of many lonely and uncertain appointments with the FS, of planning and plotting, DH finally agreed to come with me to an appointment.  At our first appointment with our current FS he said to us “You have been sleeping while Rome was burning” (not in an unkind way so I didn’t want to punch his lights out)  I think DH might have realized then that this was serious business.  He just isn’t prepared to make the effort required.

Some days I just feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Yesterday was one such day.  Despite me telling my mum that I could only spend half the day with her, I had to drive her to the mall for a haircut and she just shopped like mad.  I only got back to my house to 5pm!  I was in literally in tears. I love my mum and it brings me such joy to see her being her old self again, shopping and being able to admire clothes and plants again.  But I was really upset and frustrated that I had spent yet another day away from my home.  While chatting over lunch earlier in the day, my mum told me that she knew that things weren’t exactly good with DH, and that she preferred it if I spent more time with him than with her.  But her actions just don’t keep up with that sentiment.  And she already has plans for this weekend.  She wants to go tile shopping.  She wants me to tile my bedroom, and offered to buy the tiles.  Yes, she is wonderful that way.  But she’s putting so much pressure on me to tile, and do-up my room etc.  I know she means well but nobody seems to get that I just cannot make any plans for my life with the IVF around the corner.  I still have money to rake up, which I am doing on my own.  DH is busy doing renovations around the house, bought and installed a fancy new wood-fired pizza oven, new blinds and paintjob for the bathroom, a new car in the pipeline, and he’s talking about changing our windows to aluminum ones.  And it makes me sick just to listen to these plans because all I think of is how much it costs and how much closer it would bring me to my goal of having another IVF and my baby. 

Some days I feels so totally overwhelmed by this battle.  I long for a time when I can have a cup of coffee without feeling guilty, when I can freely buy myself the smallest of things without feeling guilty, when nights out are not equated to IVF costs and a few drinks are freely downed, when I can plans holidays without worrying about the costs, when I can take time off work without wanting to save up as much leave as I can for IVF.  But I would gladly give up these things if it meant having my own baby. 

I suppose I’m just feeling really lonely right now.  There’s nobody in my life who seems to understand the extent of my desire to have a baby, or the mind-numbing pain, or how totally empty and aimless my life is.  

I really just long for DH to put his arms around me and tell me that he loves and assure me that we will be ok no-matter what happens. 

 

 

I would definitely rather be here….

The Perfect Holiday

Hope you all enjoy the public holiday tomorrow. 

Ps, Going to start the 30 day Blog Challenge tomorrow.  Wish me luck on baring my soul and managing a post a day.

Tags:

The conversation went like this : 

DH : I’m on my way back home (from an all day fishing trip) what’s to eat ? 

ME : I also just got in (was at my mums for two days) Foster Kid has already eaten.  I’m not eating because I have indigestion.  What do you want to eat ? 

DH : We (as in my friends and I) are going out after I get home. 

ME : Oh 

DH : Will you give me some money ?  (used up his limit for the day paying a holding deposit on a new car) 

ME : Yeah sure, I don’t have any cash but you can take my card. 

DH : ok thank you 

DH : (a few min later) Are you upset that I’m going out ? 

ME : Not upset, disappointed (coz I haven’t seen him for the last two days)  But you owe me ok?  Burgers at Taco Zulu, maybe on Tuesday afternoon (so we can have some alone time) 

DH : Ok. I won’t go. It’s ok 

ME : No baby go.  There’s nothing nice for you to have for supper.  I’ll catch up on some Cake Boss.  I’m working tomorrow anyway, might go to bed early. 

DH : It’s ok.  I’ll chill at home. 

ME : Now I feel bad.  You’re on leave, go have some fun. 

DH : Don’t feel bad.  You are already disappointed. 

ME : Oh God, just go!  I missed you that’s all. 

DH : Just forget it. 

ME : ok 

ME : why do you bother asking me a question if you don’t want an honest answer ? 

DH : I told you I will be home. 

End of conversation.

 

What did I do wrong?

Belle

Don’t know why but I haven’t been able to comment on any of your posts for the last week!  I keep getting some crappy error GRRRRRRRR

Just wanted you to know I am doing the Balki Bartokomous Dance of Joy for you !!!!  “Now we are so happy, we do the dance of joy!”  Sorry, this dumbass doesn’t know how to insert a video but it goes something like this *leg kick, leg kick, jump, shout hey hey hey*

Hugs !!

As if my levels of broody are not already though the roof, my mum got a new doggy yesterday.  He’s a 8 week old pug.  And just the cutest thing.  They came by to visit yesterday.  He ran around exploring for just a few minutes, and was so exhausted, he curled up in my arms and fell off to sleep.  Just like a real baby…. 

I do hope that he fulfills my mum’s need for some love and affection.  

 He loves his new bed…..

This is him loving is new bed

 And he looooves the heater

 

Anyway, he doesn’t have a name yet.  I like “Nitro” and “Nugget”

Any suggestions for a cute name for this ugly fella ? 

 

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