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Posts Tagged ‘IVF

But I definitely ain’t no “slim” shady lol 

I have had a busy week.  So much has happened.  This is going to be a looong one ! 

A Quick Mothers Day Update – Mother’s Day was really good.  DH suggested that we invite my mum and gran to spend the weekend with us (he’s good that way) since it was going to be my mum’s first Mothers Day without my dad and we knew she would be very emotional.  We also invited his mum, aunt and sister (unmarried) to have lunch with us on Mother’s Day.  We also decided at the last minute to invite my SIL’s (brother’s wife) mother.  Both her kids live away from home and she would’ve been alone.  Also my SIL has always treated my parents so well, like her own.  And it was my way of saying Thank You.  DH’s suggestion again – see, he IS a good man. We cooked up a storm! OK, he cooked, I assisted J  We rallied around the mother’s all day.  We got them all gifts.  They all had an awesome day.  And my beautiful mum was surrounded by people so she didn’t have much time to be sad.  (She did have a VERY emotional moment when I gave her her gift, a framed pic of her and my dad, but I had the good sense to give it to her during the few moments we had alone) 

I got a gift too….Armani Diamonds perfume, my absolute favourite, and a very sweet card from Foster Kid.  The card said “ thank you mum for taking care of me the whole year, I will never forget you”  My heart went out to him.  I decided then and there that I was going to try my level best to be a mother to him.  A week later and I can tell you that it is harder said than done but I am still trying.  I know that I will never love him or feel even remotely towards him like I would my own child, but I know that I have to try and show him some affection at least.  He didn’t choose to be motherless, the same way I didn’t choose to be childless.  And whilst there’s only so much I can do about being childless, it is in my power to give this child some semblance of having a mother.  I even got an email from DH during the week thanking me for making time for Foster Kid, and that it makes a difference in his behavior. 

Since Mother’s Day, there has been love, laughter and peace in our home, something that has been sadly lacking recently. 

Appointment with my FS – I had my appointment on Friday.  DH was away again so it was just me, which I think suits me better.  We were all set to start the next round of IVF when Dr C realized that he was going to be away at the end of June, which would be around the ER stage.  So we postponed it for one month.  Going in, this is what I hoped we could do.  Mainly because I was starting to panic and really feel like I was  not ready, healthwise, emotionally.  I just need another month.  I think I’m also running scared as this is going to be my last attempt, if it fails I have no other plan.  I will have to call it quits.  It’s definitely easier to live in hope than to admit failure.  So the plan is, I see Dr C on the 2nd day of my next period and we take it from there.  After wanting and waiting for so long, I feel so relieved that I have a month’s reprieve.  These ttc emotions can be pretty strange! 

Wanted to tell you about my new job but this crazy man is snooping around wanting to know what I’m up to – he doesn’t know I have a blog. Will fill you in tomorrow!

 So, here’s my answer to Day 6 of the blog challenge (yes I know it’s already the 20th of the month !)

Day 6: Discuss how you found your way into the ALI community, and what being part of it has meant to you – good and bad. (ALI = adoption/loss/infertility)

For so many years, I was totally clueless that there was such a huge community out there of women who would be able to share my sorrows and my triumphs.  I always felt so utterly alone.  Nobody in my life could truly understand my pain and fears, even those that loved me and tried.  How could they ever comprehend such a unique feeling of emptiness. 

Then one day,  I was snooping in the section of the library that dealt with women’s issues, and came across a most amazing book by Tertia Albertyn called So Close.  It dealt with her battle with infertility, her NINE IVF’s (!), the loss of her son who was born premature, her downward spiral into depression, and how she eventually conceived her twins.  If you haven’t read or heard of this book, please make an attempt to get your hands on it. Crazy lady, awesome book!  I have since read this book FOUR times and I always feel comforted after reading it, like I had a long chat with a good friend. 

Anyway, after reading the book I had to know more about Tertia.  I googled her, came across her site, and saw a link to a site called Fertilicare which is a South African based infertility support group.  I was welcomed so warmly, and for the first time was able to communicate with PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTOOD. 

From this forum, I also started following the blogs of other South Africam women, and then stumbled across many more from women all over the world. 

Being a part of this community certainly does have its up and downs.  The upside is when I am down/upset/angry/hurt there are so many women out there reaching out to support me and empathise.  It is invaluable.  To know that I am not alone, to be assured that I’m not such a failure after all, that support can never be underestimated.  That women from across the world can give me a hug, albeit virtual, it’s a strange, uncomplicated, unique friendship. 

The downside (which is something that has been mentioned recently) is that you hear it all, know it all when it comes to infertility and especially loss.  And you learn that you can never ever let your guard down, get too complacent and think that you’re in the clear.  Your baby can be snatched from you even when you’ve been assured that all is perfect.  And so those who do actually manage to conceive, spend most of their pregnancies worrying, instead of just enjoying it.  I know for sure that if and when my turn comes, I will be just the same. 

Also, I do tend to so caught up in Blogland that I shy away from real people and real-life friendships, something which I am trying to rectify.

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Signs

Posted on: March 30, 2012

Ever since my dad passed, my mum has wanted to go to a person who specialises in “crossing over” – like John Edwards.  She is so desperate to get some message from my dad and to my dad, to make sure he’s ok and off course, so many questions, did he know he was going to leave us and was he in any pain etc.  On Wednesday, the 6th month anniversary of my dad’s death, she was put in touch with someone who reads tarot cards, a complete stranger who knows none of our history.   She touched on so many things that were so true, that my mum is locking herself away in her big house and that she needs to sell that house and move away, that my mum was feeling unloved and missed the sense of touch.

One big announcement came out of it.  She said that my dad is missing us, and is in a hurry to come back.  And that my dad would come back to our family as a grandchild.  A granddaughter who would shower my mum with all the love and attention that she feels she’s missing.  She also said that it would happen within the next 6 months!

I can’t begin to tell you how much that made me cry.  I don’t want to be gullible and pin all my hopes on that prediction but, considering that I am planning another IVF in June and that I would love a little girl, I can’t help it, it leaves me breathless.

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