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Posts Tagged ‘Marriage Counselling

Thank you to all you special women who commented on my last post.  You cannot begin to imagine how much your comments and advice comforted me at a time when I felt so very lost and alone. 

DH and I have kinda started talking again.  Yesterday we out to lunch.  Not alone to discuss our issues as one would expect but with the Foster Kid.  God forbid we do anything without him!  DH is falling back into our usual way of dealing with arguments.

  • He does something to upset me.
  • I try to tell him how/why I’m upset.
  • He refuses to acknowledge any pain I may be feeling and insists on being right. 
  • I get frustrated. 
  • We both get angry and say ugly, hurtful things to each other. 
  • Then we ignore each other COMPLETELY. 
  • After a few days, we start missing each other. 
  • One of us breaks the ice. 
  • We start talking again, and are so glad to just be talking that the actual issues are not spoken of or resolved.  

Until they rear their ugly heads again a few months later……  The problem is, these issues are starting to fester.  Our fights are happening with increasing regularity, with longer periods of silence.  Our barbs are getting shaper.  We are drifting further and further apart. 

For the first time, I let my family in on exactly how bad things get.  I’ve always been hesitant to do that as I never wanted them to see him in this light.  Now they do.  And even if I forgive him and we patch things up, they will forever view him differently.  My mum actually said he has a “Jekyll and Hyde” personality. 

I did eventually see a therapist on Friday, and spent an emotionally draining hour and a half speaking of my troubles.  At one point she asked me if DH actually wanted to be in this marriage.  To which the answer was “I don’t know” L  I cannot understand or come to terms with the fact that my feelings are of so little importance to him.  Surely if you love someone, you want to share every bit of them, their joys and sorrows, their triumphs and tragedies.  Everything about my DH interests me.  I always ask him about his day, I listen intently when he talks, I ask questions so he knows I’m interested.  I make an effort with his family, friends and colleagues, remembering birthdays etc.  When I see that he is stressed, I show him that I care, even suggesting that he go out for a beer or two with his guy friends.  I often tell him that I love him.  When I am not with him, I make sure he knows that I miss having him by my side.  I make sure to tell him how handsome he looks and want him to be in no doubt that he still makes my heart skip a beat.  I am always trying to hug him, hold him, hold hands, some kind of touch. I care for his health, always trying to make him see (without sounding like a nag) that he needs to stop smoking, needs to eat healthy and start exercising.  I love to see him all dressed up and, despite the fact that I hesitate to spend even the smallest amount of money on myself (due to the fact that I am saving for IVF on my own) I still buy him the best of name brand clothing without blinking an eye. 

Not that I am a perfect wife, far from it!  I am not particularly domesticated.  I hate cooking so I don’t make him nice things to eat, or fuss over him if he hasn’t eaten (the way he does with me)  I would complain to get him a glass of water should he ask me for one in the middle of the night.  I’m grumpy in the morning.  I’m not the bombshell I was when we first met, I have put on weight, I look older, I’m not sexy.  I’m uncertain of myself.  I’m indecisive.  I have low self esteem.  Oh, and I’m infertile. 

The therapist has said that there’s not much she can do without DH joining in our sessions.  She has asked me to approach him in a non-threatening manner, tell him how good I think our marriage is and that it just needs a bit of tweaking.  And if he still doesn’t agree to join me, then I suppose that is an indication of how little he values our marriage.  Something I don’t want to consider right now.

 

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