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Posts Tagged ‘marriage

First, a confession : I am completely clueless about formatting this blog, adding pics and links etc.  So pleeeeeeezee bear with me as I stumble through this.  I will figure it out in time. 

After the April Fool’s Day fiasco, I have been giving much thought to DH and I, and our relationship, our marriage.  How did we get here, where are we headed.  Are we going to survive infertility, intrusions into our life and home, having completely different hopes/dreams/goals, all the misunderstandings, the harsh words.….. Strangely enough, Belle at Scrambled Eggs brought it up in her blog yesterday.  And it felt like she was voicing my thoughts. 

Marriage is hard work.  When I was young I had all these fantastical ideas about how my marriage was going to be different from all others, how perfect my relationship was going to be.  I mean how hard can it be.   I love him and he loves me, and we will just simply tell the other if we are hurt/angry/disappointed, and our love will prevail and voila, the problem will be fixed.  Except life doesn’t work that way does it.  Nothings ever that simple. 

Right now, DH and I battling so many demons.  Add infertility into the mix and the situation is explosive.  I know that bringing a baby into a troubled marriage only exacerbates the situation.  And although I am not hoping to repair my marriage by having a baby, I do know that it will change the situation, that we will be united as a family.  Even though DH is not interested in TTC right now, I do know that he will be ecstatic if/when we do.  And he will definitely take his responsibility as a dad seriously. 

But I also wonder if I will be able to forgive and forget that this man, my other half, my husband, my partner, who pledged to love me has abandoned me at a time when I need him the most.  He has taken my already fragile ego and sense of self-worth and given it a thorough beating.  He has made me feel so many times in the past (and still does make me feel) like I am last on his list.  But isn’t he the one who supposed to love me for me, to see the sides of me that no-one else does and find it amazing, to find the best in me.  Doesn’t marriage mean that your spouse comes first, that you become your own little family, that you put your partners needs before anybody else’s.  

The more I think of DH’s response to my pain, the more anger I feel.  My resentment rears its ugly head so often, but I bite my tongue to keep the peace, something we have precious little of.  I don’t understand his impatience with me and my emotions.  I am shocked at his response to my tears.  Even though I am a crying, raging, emotional wreck on the inside, I really do keep my shit together.  Ever since the broodiness set in, he made it clear that he wasn’t interested (because of foster kid, another post for another day) so I never confided in him.  Taking the initial step to go to a FS I did by myself.  Speaking to my parents to lend us the money for IVF I did by myself.  Yes, he was keen during the IVF and TWW.  And when it failed he was devastated and was rearing to go again.  But as soon as he realized that we would not be able to rake up the money in the allotted time, he was content to give up and carry on with life.  And he expected me to do the same.  I couldn’t talk about it, I couldn’t be sad, depressed, angry.  For a whole month I cried pretty much all the time, but only when I was alone, in the shower, at night, in the car etc.  I couldn’t sleep. I had no hope for the future.  I thought that if I died then, then it would be ok because what really did I have to live for.  At one point I was actually hoping that my cysts became malignant so I would have an excuse to stop ttc.  And I had also made up my mind that if that happened, I wouldn’t accept any treatment, I would let the cancer kill me.  That’s how low I was.  Yet I could never share any of these thoughts with DH because he just thought I was over-reacting.  Furthermore, I know that he knew at the time that I was in emotional turmoil yet he was able to turn a blind eye to my pain.  As long as I smiled he would be happy to pretend that everything was ok. 

And that really is what I have been doing for the  past few years.  Smile, pretend to be ok.  Tell myself to count my blessings, be grateful for a husband that doesn’t abuse me, be grateful for food in my belly, a roof over my head and a job.  And I have picked myself up again.  Saw my FS by myself again.  I have been saving on my own.  I worry alone about our financial situation every single day.  I am constantly calculating and recalculating how much I have saved, how much more I require, how much more I have to put away a month to reach my goal.  And I do this by myself.  Abandoned by my partner in the middle of the battle, I rage my own lonely heartbreaking war against infertility.

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